I've been struggling with what to write about lately, hence the long break in between postings. After reading some of my past entries, I felt like all I did was complain and sound like a "Debbie Downer." So...all week I've been trying to think of the positives to write about, and nothing came to me. So, I'm back at it again, and I'm not going to fake it and pretend like everything is great and wonderful, because in all honesty, it's not. The reason I started this blog was to keep people updated on Logan's progress, but also to allow myself a place to share my experiences of raising a kid with special needs. And lately, it hasn't been easy. I struggle saying that when I know there are tons of families out there that have it way worse than us, but this is my journey, and these are my true feelings.
After Logan's little surgery on 4/1 (ha, I just realized that was April Fools), my spring break began. We didn't have too much planned other than going to my parents for the first weekend and going to a few doctor's appointments (shots and ENT check-up) later in the week. I can't complain too much about a week off from work, but sometimes I think being home is not good for me. I have way too much time to think and analyze and drive myself crazy. By Friday, I was not even feeling like myself and decided a blog was just not enough therapy to help me sort out my thoughts. I am going to start talking to a professional who has no personal connection to me and can give me an outside perspective on everything. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that, and many people would've probably kept that detail to themselves, but what the hell? Why lie? This is what I need right now to help me. If I am not at my best, then I cannot be a good mom to Logan and wife to Olin. On Thursday, Olin left for a weekend trip with friends. Of course, this would be the moment Logan's double ear infection returned. I really began to worry because Thursday night he vomitted like three times after dinner and then woke up with a 101 degree temperature. Knowing that he probably couldn't go to Sally's the next day, and having taken off 3 days of work before Spring Break, I knew I couldn't call in last minute to work again. Reluctantly, I called my parents at 1:00 in the morning. I knew it would probably freak them out when they saw the called id, but I didn't know what else to do. I am so lucky and thankful they were able to drive up at 6:00 the next morning to watch Logan and take him to the doctor. Grumps set up his "office" in our dining room and ZuZu took Logan to the pediatrician at 9:00. He had only been off of the maintenance antibiotic for like 9 days and both ear infections had returned...poor baby. I made a call to the ENT and we are going to do tubes. The date is not set, but the decision is made. Hopefully, that will end this nonsense...he's already been on five different antibiotics! We were also able to move up Logan's "pull through" surgery...just waiting on an official date. We are looking at either the first or second Friday in May. While he is such a trooper during the irrigations, I just don't know if Olin and I can do it for another 8-9 weeks. I think it takes its toll on us even if we don't really realize it. Selfishly, I also decided I didn't want to start the summer off with his surgery and recovery. I just want it to be over and done with by then so we can enjoy our summer at the pool :)
Therapy update: Things are going pretty well minus one minor "freak out" by me last week. I guess you could say Logan is learning to exert his will in his own little way now. I forget sometimes that he is 15 months old, and any other 15 month old would be into everything, saying "no", and testing the boundaries. So...last Sunday I began to worry because Logan would not pull up or stand and hold on to his crawling track. He had been doing really well with these tasks, and then it was like overnight, he decided he could not/would not do it. Fortunately, we had a PT appointment on Monday so Sherri could help us figure out what was going on. It was so weird...I would try to lean him against the ottoman (or anything) to stand, and he would immediately collapse his legs. He would pull them into his body and refuse to put weight on them. My first thoughts were...okay, he fractured something in his foot, or else he has seriously forgotten how to stand up (my worst fear). The crazy thing though was that if I turned him to face me, he had no problem putting weight on his legs and even bounce. So... that threw both of my theories out the window. When Sherri arrived and asked how everything was going, my eyes immediately got teary and I started to explain. She was very calm and told me just to hold on, and she would try to figure it out. Luckily he did the same thing for her so she could see how he was just giving up on certain activities. We tried all different positions and offered all different toys, but the same thing kept happening. Sherri said that we had ruled out it was anything physical or mental because he could do what we wanted if he turned to one of us. The only thing it could be was behavioral. Logan simply didn't want to stand in those positions, and pulling his legs in and acting like a wet noodle was his way of exerting his independence. Interesting lesson learned by me. I am going to have to be more aware of the different ways Logan will communicate with us. He is doing better a week later, still not always wanting to stand, but more so than not. We also went back to a few basic moves at therapy this week...weight bearing on his arms, side sitting, etc. Sherri also talked to me about getting flashcards to use with Logan while he sits in his highchair or plays with toys. She says the more we can reiterate vocabulary and point to things, the better. Pointing will most likely be a major way of communication for him. As he gets a little older and we have more resources, I'm sure technology will play a big part in his life as well. Olin said many of the parents in our Mowat-Wilson google group use iPads and different apps to communicate with their children. Pretty amazing what technology can do. I don't want to wish the time away, but I can't wait until we can get Logan in a special needs school with all of the resources he needs all day long! 
Hopefully, I didn't sound too much like "Debbie Downer" tonight. It's kind of weird sitting at home with no baby or no husband. The in-laws took Logan for the weekend because I had a work thing today and tennis tomorrow. I think the highlight has been taking a three hour nap this afternoon...man, I miss those. Back to reality tomorrow, but it's been really nice to recharge today (and sleep in tomorrow)!
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